REAL NEWSPAPER ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother: AKC German Shepherd.
Father: Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything......

BATHROOM-PAINTED FLOOR

*IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....*

*YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING......* *(not that you would...)*

*AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.... *

*You open the door.... *

NOW, REMEMBER,* *THE FLOOR IS JUST* *A PAINTED FLOOR!**

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....* *DOESN'T IT?*

For a fun time on the interstate.......

Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph on the interstate with these balloons trailing about a few yards behind him?

Instructions:
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell...
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!

A Kiss for a Fireman


She is pregnant, he had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest. A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman. He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do. As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him.

Random Photos

Danielle borrowed my camera on her last trip to NY and only took 12 pictures. John was pissed because he asked her to take lots of pictures. Danielle said her first trip to NY was about sightseeing the next trip was to shop.

Ground zero hole starting to fill in finally.

GGGGGOOOOOLLLLLFFFFFF!!!!!!!!

This weekend was a lot of fun, especially if you like golf. Well maybe only if you like golf. We golfed, we ate, we golfed, we swam we golfed, we drank beer, we golfed, we sat in the hot tub, we golfed, we slept and the next day we did it again. We played a lot of best ball. Everyone is already paired up sharing rooms and golf carts so it just makes sense and it speeds up play for more gooooolllllffffff. The betting best ball rules varied from team to team but basically we played a skins tournament style buck a hole for each partner, with carry-overs on a tie. Two bucks for closest to the hole on every par 3 but you had to be on the green to collect. Uncharacteristically Sam and I played fairly well as partners and left the weekend with a few more loonies in our pockets. I was even luckier, on an earlier round Sam was closest to the hole and we each collected 2 bucks from our opponents, but in the next round when I hit two par 3 greens (new partners new rules) Sam also had to pay me two bucks. The greens were in great shape but a little hard. Rarely did we need to measure shots for closest to the hole, most par 3s were won by sticking a green. I started the weekend Friday trying to keep hydrated while playing and flagged down the beer girl more than a few times, spent lots of money and ended up stumbling back to the golf cart after every shot. How did that happen? The more experienced golfers brought cans of beer. That way you can buy one can of beer from the beer girl and then keep waiving her off saying “we’re fine here”. She got suspicious after only selling a six pack but every time she passes by we'd slur “we’re fine and so are you, hahahhhahahahhhahah.” A big expense for me this weekend was lost balls. The main course has an island green that swallowed more of my balls than I like to admit. That sounded dirty but it was even more disgusting than that. Danielle bought me Nike golf balls for Father’s Day but I didn’t want to lose all of them this weekend. I had to buy a few reclaimed golf balls from the pro shop to get me through Sunday. It doesn’t help that play on the course if fairly quick so you don’t get a lot of time to look for balls that just rolled out of bounds. There was a group of 100 American’s also staying at the resort for the weekend so in our weekend golf haze with everyone cancelling tee times to leave early we thought Sunday would be the best of the three days to get in a lot of golf. Turns out the local members golf on Sunday and it was the worst of the three days. We started behind a group of 12 year olds that I was forced to watch hit the ball far and straight every hole. On one hole we pulled the cart forward to wait while they teed off. Again!!! I didn’t want them to hear so had to whisper “eight” to Sam to mark on the scorecard. On about the ninth hole the kids disappear but we are still behind a group of old ladies, who are behind a husband and wife foursome, who are behind…it was just an awful way to end our fabulous golf weekend, but the group behind also detoured onto the other 27 holes so now there was no one behind us. Instead of beating an old lady with a five iron after her fourth waggle from her third twenty-yard shot from the tee, Sam and I decided to beat the bushes to reclaim a few lost balls. After our pockets were full we circled back to replay the previous hole. We did that for a few holes and then we started dropping lots of found balls from 100 or so yards out to practise chipping. Even though Sam was something like 4 out of 5 hitting onto the island green we only practised our putting on the eleventh hole. Our fabulous golf weekend ended nice and relaxing, no score keeping, every time Sam asked I said 3 or 4. Even though some from our group drove their golf cart to the beer store, down and across the road with open beers still in the cup holders, and another drove his cart through a sand trap and another cannon-balled off of the island and tossed quite a few balls to shore, we were still able to reserve rooms for next year same weekend. For the room and cart together Sam and I each paid $278, beer and food is extra. On the drive home we had to agree that 144 holes of golf in three days is a little crazy.

This really was supposed to be a short blog but I guess it’s easier to write more when you’re excited about the topic. Not another laundry night blog. Probably not many non-golfers could have bothered to read all the way to the end. Oh well!! Maybe someone will send me some good cut and paste emails this week.


Check out that golfers tan, I wore shorts, and obviously socks, all weekend. Brought my sandals and wore them once down to the pool. There is a sign on the main entrance door No Spikes but we figure it’s an old sign, before soft spikes. I think most everyone wore his golf shoes almost all weekend. Sam and I checked out Sunday still wearing golf shoes and no one even glanced at our feet. Sorry I didn’t bring my camera but Sam did.

A Bad Day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.

--------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by,

I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

######################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

*********************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky, West Virginia & Muskoka!!!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday!

You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

Whack!!


Not sure how to word this so I’ll just blurt it out; It’s laundry night. This is just a short blog because I’m packing too. For those who haven’t heard Sam and I were lucky enough to stumble into a late cancellation to an annual event. A buddy of Sam’s hosts a regular golf weekend with a group of about 12 golfers. This year one of the regulars couldn’t attend so his golf partner didn’t want to go either. Buddy asked Sam if he would be interested and lucky Sam thought of me. After taxes for two nights and three days of unlimited golf and use of the facilities it’s $220 each, not bad! Besides food, beer and gas to get to Forest ON (near Sarnia) the only other cost is $50 a day for a cart. We’re definitely getting the cart to golf as much as possible and they allow you to drive it over to the hotel and park waiting for your next tee time. They’re gas carts so we may need a few fill ups. The course is short, no par 5s, around par 68 but looks to be in decent condition in the website photos. It reminds me a little of Bangor. Anyway the weather forecast looks great, sunny between 20 and 24C for fri, sat and sun. We’ll leave Hamilton at 6:30 Friday morning and plan to get in a round or two on Friday, Saturday and Sunday before leaving. I heard one of the guys is bringing poker chips for a little texas holdem. This weekend just keeps getting better and better!! Anyway time to fold. Have a great weekend.

More Great Spam Emails


Subject: Big your piano, be a real man

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Subject: (blank)

With Penis Enlarge Patch your penis will reach the sky limit.



Who writes this stuff?
Do you think they target their readers?

Kids say the darn’dest things

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied "but what is growing in your butt?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?", he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!! "Five minutes later......" Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer. She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's an actor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes miss." the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously distressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy Father and thy mother," She asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

If you bothered to read this far this is my favourite…
Little Kohen was at home with his mom eating dinner and announced he was finished. Mom said; Kohen eat three more pieces of chicken and then you’ll be done. Kohen insisted he was finished eating but again mom said; no Kohen three more pieces of chicken. Kohen replied; Fuck you mommy. Mom said; WHAT?? Kohen then chuckled and said; “That’s funny”.

Welcome Peyton Lee

Yogi Berra Quotes

If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else.

I really didn't say everything I said.

If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

It ain't the heat; it's the humility.

It's deja-vu all over again.

You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours.

The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands.

You can't think and hit at the same time.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

90% of the game is half mental.

It's never happened in the World Series history - and it hasn't happened since.

It's not too far, it just seems like it is.

If you don't set goals, you can't regret not reaching them.

Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting.

We were overwhelming underdogs.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

You mean now? (When asked for the time.)

We have a good time together, even when we're not together.

Little League baseball is a good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets and the kids out of the house.

The future ain't what it used to be.

Pair up in threes.

I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question.

You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left.

90% of short putts don't go in.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself. (After being told he looked cool.)

We're lost, but we're making great time!

If people don't want to come to the ball park, how are you going to stop them?

I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn't find it.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces. I'm not hungry enough to eat eight.

I don't remember leaving, so I guess we didn't go.

I usually take a two hour nap, from one to four.

Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died.

It gets late early out there. (Referring to the sun conditions in left field at the stadium.)

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

No, you didn't wake me up. I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" To this, Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

Honour Thy Father

Love lost, such a cost,
Give me things that don't get lost.
Like a coin that won't get tossed
Rolling home to you.

I’m taking charge of father’s day this year. Unfortunately it’s an every-other work weekend for Danielle so John and I will pick her up after work on Sunday for dinner at Montana’s. Normally I don’t much care for Mother’s or Father’s Day. I agree with my landlord, the Jews who own the stores made up Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, and even Christmas. A cheesy card and a tie don’t honour a father. Last year I didn’t bother reminding John that it was Father’s day but he found out before the day ended and cleaned the bathroom. Hope he gives me the same thing again this year because the tub is disgusting right now. Now that would honour thy father, or at least do the dishes!!!

But this year I took charge and I’ll do what I want to do and that is spend time with my kids. Maybe we’ll go hit a bucket of balls after dinner, maybe we’ll go have an ice cream. It’s my daddy day and I’ll decide, probably depending on the weather because Dan and I hit a bucket of balls at lunch today and I sweat my bag off. I’m now bag-less like the two hip hop drug dealers I saw the other day.

I guess the opposite of belated could be...
Pre-early Happy Fathers Day to all you motherfuckers out there.
Enjoy your day!!

Bad Resumes
These items were actually on resumes.

Objectives:

To acquire a creative development position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast (2 years) technical experience.

To find a gig.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

Reasons for Leaving the Last Job:

Terminated after saying, "It would be a blessing to be fired."

Responsibility makes me nervous.

Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.

In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd.

I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

My last employer insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

Maturity leave.

Job Responsibilities:

Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks.

Responsibilities included checking customers out.

Creator / Writer: ihatemylife.us, Los Angeles, CA

Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

Personal Interests:

Donating blood. 14 gallons so far!

I like the Simpsons.

Interests: Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering.

Go Chargers!

Qualifications:

I often use a laptap.

I am able to say the ABCs backwards in under five seconds.

I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine.

In response to your ad for Web Editor, here is a URL to a site I have worked on: http://www.seeyouinbed.com/

I have a current passport.

Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solving.

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

I am a great team player I am.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Very experienced with out-house computers.

Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.

1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.

I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.

I never take anything for granite.

I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.

I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity.

I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills.

I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Education:

While I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several.

Completed 11 years of high school.

College: August 1880-May 1984.

Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.

Suspected to graduate early next year.

No education or experience.

Special Requests:

Desired Salary: $1.00 Per Year

I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

I want a boss of average height, not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to just about anything given time).

I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

If U hire me, U will not have any regrets.

I don't have a phone 4 the time being. Please email me instead.

I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer.

I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during working hours.

Skills and Accomplishments:

I am the leader of a 6,000 member clan on World of Warcraft.

I make an excellent sandwich.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.

I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.

I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.

Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Additional Information:

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position.

Have had littel luck in finding a new and challenging position.

I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights.

I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment.

Shot at the local gun club.

I've left a path of destruction behind me.

If you can't be a people person on a Navy ship, then you will probably get tossed overboard

Fashion

There's a brand new dance but I don't know its name
That people from bad homes do again and again
It's big and it's bland full of tension and fear
They do it over there but we don't do it here

Fashion! Turn to the left
Fashion! Turn to the right

On the way home from work the other day I saw two guys dressed something like this and right away thought of my blog. I’m so lonely!! I couldn’t find a good picture but the one kid had on a Raider’s puffy coat over baggy jeans that were barely pulled up to his knees. These two losers must have been sweating their bags off. It was all about image. Told John about it when I got home and he said the Goth kids at school wear the long black trench coats in the summer.

I don’t get it! I’ve never been much for fashion. I do remember getting my first pair of Levi’s when I was younger. After Theresa put up such a fuss about her friends all having Levi’s her and Laurie got a pair. It wasn’t for a few weeks, or maybe the next paycheque, before Mickey and I got a pair too. I may just be a cheap bastard but even now some of my best clothes are free swag from work. Every time I wear a new shirt someone will say, Oh thats nice! Then I show them the blue oval. Just within the last few years I’ve learned that a Louis Vuitton is a fucking expensive handbag. Have woman gone insane? Handbags shouldn’t cost thousands of dollars!! Not to sound like an old mans rant but another fashion item that bugs me are the huge fucking sunglasses young girls are wearing. Dang gone it! When I was a kid we wore the tinted granny glasses and only old people wore huge sunglasses for medical reasons and we made fun of them… Oh that felt good.

That’s what I’ll do from now on, find things that piss me off and rant about them!! Ooooohhh!!! What’s the matter with kids today!

Does anyone recognize this?

I just learned now that Louis Vuitton has been in the bag business since 1854.

What’s the matter with kids today?
For all the young parents (or soon to be parents) here are some helpful tips

You should not stand too close to a fire alarm in a large grocery store if your child is in the basket.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

60% of men who read this have considered mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Quotes to Ponder
A collection of interesting quotes

You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times. - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. - Albert Einstein

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. - George Carlin

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley

Good judgment comes from experience. Experience often comes from bad judgment. - Rita Brown

Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts" probably lost. - Martina Navratilova

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. - Phyllis Diller

Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - Harry S. Truman

Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes, you'll know you're dead. - Tennessee Williams

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives - Sue Murphy

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers. - Robert Orben

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet every evening down at the bar. - Drew Carey

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish. - Charles Caleb Colton

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. - Thomas Edison

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan. - A. Whitney Brown

Only a mediocre person is always at his best. - W. Somerset Maugham

In politics, sincerity is everything. Once you can fake that, you've got it made! - Groucho Marx

The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. - Henry Boye

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat. - Jeff Foxworthy

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

Honest criticism is hard to take, especially when it comes from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. - Franklin P. Jones

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier. - Bill Gates

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! - George Carlin

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!' - Ashton Kutcher

Profanity is the adjective of the feeble minded. - Gordon Lane

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. - George Carlin

He who stops being better stops being good. - Oliver Cromwell

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy - Erica Jong

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it! - Franklin Jones

Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry

I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell

A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. - Richard Nixon

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. - Richard Lewis

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? - George Carlin

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. - Caroline Rhea

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - Howard Aiken

When will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin

Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell

You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton

Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht

Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman

First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein

Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck - Elvis Presley

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. - Conan O'Brien

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. - Steve Martin

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Woody Allen

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. - Tom Clancy

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Dennis Miller

Scratch a dog, and you'll find a permanent job. - Franklin P. Jones

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - John Dryden

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! - Bill Maher

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick." - Tom Waits

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died - their lives will never be the same again. - Barbara Boxer, Senator

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then." - Margaret Smith

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." - Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

I think I am, therefore I am. I think. - George Carlin

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know... Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. - Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Garry Shandling

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

An English Lesson

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

Email SPAM

Received this email four times this week and liked it so much thought I'd share it.

Subject: Bigger

People judge your dick size by your shoes size.
With megadik you dont have to wear
bigger shoes to make women think you have a huge dick.
You can actually have it.

Hockey Pool Update

Back in April Karl reported the status of our annual hockey pool. At the time Karl was in second place and damn proud of it!! I reminded the silly side walker that pools are won and lost in the later rounds of the play-offs. Geoff once again took our money by leading the pool from start to finish. The following chart clearly shows Karl's steady decline (to last place) compared to Geoff's winning score.

This next chart shows how my players rallied in the later rounds to secure second place for me.

Geoff and I should be glad the last series between Ottawa and Anahiem didn't go the full seven games because I think Dwayne, and his four players, would have passed both of us.

Things Humans Should Learn
Human beings don't come with an owner's manual, but they should.

No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.

There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career / job with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.

Fuck you Karl

Tonight after work I gathered my soiled panties and such and walked to the laundromat, Wednesday, laundry day. There were four baby mommas already washing their panties, and their baby panties, so I paid Don Ho to deal with my gitch. Now I have more time to sit here on my ass with nothing to say. John’s not home from school yet so I have the advantage of him not looking over my shoulder waiting for a turn on the computer. But still I’ve got nothing… I could talk about what I know, John, work, cooking, doing dishes, laundry... But John don’t like when I talk about him and I’m sure you have your own boring ho hum stories to tell. Plenty going on within the family but no real affect on me, those are the bastards that should be blogging. It's too bad they have lives.

I will tell you Sam and I played Willow Valley GC on Monday. Regular $74 a round but we paid half price. I love coupon golf. Sam and I may also be going to a golf resort in two weeks, unlimited golf for the weekend. I wasn’t going to go at first, thought it would be a drunken weekend with a bunch of young kids. Sam’s buddy that plans the annual event brings his father soooooo Whack!

Thanks to all for the encouraging words last laundry day. At least I know someone besides Theresa is still reading. I was surprised to get a comment from Kris, thought I lost her when I blogged about masturbation. Kris you’re a sick fuck. When I first started blogging Karl gave me some insightful advised: From a fellow blogger, if you’ve got nothing to say take the night off.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and! went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Newfie Pick up Lines


Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

You might not be the best lookin girl here but beauty's only a light switch away.

Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

I know I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.

If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

Yer face reminds me of a wrench... Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady,I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in my castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't fuckin' think so.