Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia
Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia
I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid
Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell
You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder
Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate,
Why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....

My company gave out $100 gift certificates for Cadillac Fairview Malls as Christmas gifts. In the spirit of giving, mine went to Johnson allowing him to purchase Christmas gifts for his Mom and Brittany. When I got home from work last night I received a call from the boy, he was at the mall finished his shopping and needed a ride home. On my way out the door to get him I ran into my landlord and his lady friend. We chatted for a while about nothing and eventually the topic turned to the unlikely possibility of a white Christmas. He went on to say that in his opinion the whole Christmas gift giving idea was created by Jews, the same Jews who own the stores where we all buy our gifts, pretty much making them Jew bastards rich (I’m paraphrasing a little). Now I will admit that since my kids have grown older Christmas no longer has the same appeal for me. I still love the idea of getting together with family to celebrate the holiday but as the years pass I feel that Christmas has lost some of its true meaning. I am not a fan of people feeling obligated to buy someone a gift when the really cannot afford to. Anyway, I told David and Marilyn that I had to hurry on my way because I was off to pickup John from the mall, who ironically was Christmas shopping. As a final thought I said to him; Hey don’t I owe you more post-dated rent cheques for the new year. That’s when the anti-Semitic bastard pulled a very Jewish type move and asked for an extra $25 a month rent for next year. I think I’ve been Jewed!!!

Merry Fucking Christmas

Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashion family Christmas. No. no. We have a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re going to press on and we’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat, white ass down the chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

The shitter was full

Some of you don’t know this but I was supposed to go to Michigan for an all day meeting on Wednesday (tomorrow) so before going to work today I packed my double overnight bag because I would be leaving the U.S. Thursday morning, back to the office where my car would be parked and return home Thursday evening, about the same time as a normal work day. Prior to the trip Sherry and I discussed our options and with strong encouragement from John we agreed to let him stay home alone. To make a long boring blog story shorter the meeting was cancelled, so here I am at home unannounced. A perfect opportunity to test the boy, its 6:20 and John just came in the house with my bike. After school he rode down to Bay Front Park even though he knows how much I hate when he rides at night. Oh I could just kill him!!! …and his guitar was in the bathroom, he never leaves his guitar in there when I’m at home. Awww, what’s the matter with kids today?

It’s interesting how the group I work with (including Karl it’s like he has a cubicle two over from me) were so excited with the thought of me arriving home unexpected and the speculation of what I might find. Yet again, ive got nothing… thanks John for ruining my blog. I love you.


If you were paying attention you might have noticed I mentioned Home Alone and “what’s the matter with kids today” that makes it a movie theme and since its near Christmas… My favourite Christmas movies of all time are It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol (black and white 1951 version) and the uncensored National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.

What's your favourite Christmas movie?

If looks could kill

Karl and I have talked about life in the big city, living in a high crime area. John and I both do a lot of walking or riding in the city. We have gotten to know some of Hamilton’s cast of misfits. There is a couple living close to here, she’s partially blind and he’s a complete moron. One night as they were entertaining us doing laundry together this younger kid says to me “how does he put up with that”. She was way across the laundry room but still replied I heard that. There was this other guy with no legs that sat in a wheelchair smoking cigarettes on Main St. one block east of Sherman, at the Sunoco Station, but I haven’t seen him in a bit. I miss him, we would both give a head-nod as I rode on by or if I was walking I would always start into a slow jog as I passed. He always looked so sad. Sam might know this one old guy with long grey hair and beard, in spandex, racing his bicycle around town. He flew past me a couple of times as I huff and puff my way up the rail trail. I’ve seen him at the waterfront too. A couple of guys beg for change at their regular separate locations near here. An older scruffier guy stakes out the Shopper’s Drug Mart parking lot down on the corner and a younger somewhat crazier kid (might be a tard) stands in front of the Tim Horton’s just further down Main, bumming coffee money. One morning I saw a woman hurrying to get away from him so as I approached reached into my pocket and handed him a loonie and a quarter. He says; It’s a $1.39 for a large coffee. I chuckled and walked into Hortons, he stayed outside looking for his next victim. At that same drive thru this older guy, with large glasses, stands inside the small counter store area drinking coffee. This guy appears normal, maybe a little greasy, but he’s there a lot!! The girl’s working all know him well and they talk, I’ve seen him in the back smoking with them too. There’s this other big guy, with a very large forehead, probably in his fifties, that I see picking up garbage everywhere. Who hasn’t seen the guy riding his bicycle with 400 hubcaps strapped to it? John and I have had discussions describing all of these people at some time or another. I wonder if they would mind if I took pictures?? It might make this blog more interesting. Anyway I kinda went off on a tangent there, getting back to my discussion with Karl… He asked if either John or I have had a confrontation with someone on the street and felt threatened. Luckily we haven’t. Well… Last weekend as I pushed my bike through downtown Hamilton these two very loud (maybe drunk) teens said to me (or about me) hey look he’s got an Iron Horse, he must have money. Now I had never heard of Iron Horse bicycles before I bought this one, but this is the second time that someone has said something to me about my bike brand. The first time it was a pimply faced teen who said; Hey those Iron Horse bikes were real popular about a year ago, man. …or something like that. Good thing I was in the video surveillance area of downtown, that made me feel safe. One other warm day during the summer I was sitting on a bench watching the boats at bay front park when this creepy guy approached me. He stood a little too close making small talk, telling me how his wife had recently returned to (of all places) Cape Breton and he was here looking for work but was feeling lonely. After to many minutes of feeling uncomfortable, I told moe I was going to finish my ride. As I rode away I couldn’t help but feel a little rejected that he didn’t offer me oral. Not to be accused of racial profiling but the last encounter I’ll mention is my most threatening. I had just thrown my clothes into the washer and exited by the back door to go home. The door sticks a bit so you have to give it a good push. The backdoor opens onto an alleyway behind the Laundromat where these two skinny black kids, with their baggie pants and football jerseys were standing behind the door. I banged the door open startling all of us. We all jumped a bit and I gave a little chuckle thinking it was funny but when I looked at the one kid’s face it was filled with hatred. It sent a chill through me. So that’s it, my most threatening encounter so far in the big city. If looks could kill… I might not be here today boring you with this blog. Hey I didn’t name this site …ive got something…

John's in Milton this weekend so I actually got some time on the computer. Enjoy the weekend. Have you started your Christmas shopping yet?

I should have included this picture with my last blog.

It was 26 years ago today, I was watching Monday Night Football and Howard Cosell broke the news.

I usually sit in front of the keyboard and think, okay what can I write about, …and start typing, whatever comes out, comes out. There have been a few blogs that I second-guessed after finishing but hit submit anyway. One that instantly comes to mind was when I called my children’s mother a cunt. After the C word blog I called Danielle and asked her to read it (normally she doesn’t) I made John read it right away too. I needed to talk about it and try to soften the use of the C word. “I mean your mother’s a cunt in the nicest possible way… more like cunty.” On my previous blog I wondered for a millisecond if John would be upset with me telling everyone he split with Brittany, but couldn’t pass on that gold nugget idea. Besides I had only posted one other blog last Friday. I started blogging like a mad man right after Raising Your Mentally Retarded Child blog. I must still be feeling guilty for that one. I should probably add more blogs for my comments about John and his new friend, that one was pretty bad too. Thanks for seeing the humour Kris. Was it as bad as thinking about Theresa in the shower? …or Jeff and Lindsay on the couch? Sometimes I should stop and read my comments before I submit too. A recent comment I wished I could take back was about the jury still being out on Kevin being a fool… but everything I say on here is with tongue firmly planted in cheek. (Insert your own joke here …ive got nothing…) I was happy when Kevin replied with his sarcasm because no comment, would have drove me crazy. Thanks Kev!! I don’t mean to be picking on you, you probably haven’t been able to fart the last few months. Save the dutch-oven for the honeymoon, only 10 more sleeps. Seems Wednesday’s are good blog nights for me. I gotta go throw my clothes in the dryer.

Night

I have some good news and some bad news. First the bad news, John and Brittany broke up. The good news is John has a female “she’s just a friend dad” coming over tonight and he’s cleaning like a… Mexican trying to get a green card? Crack-whore working for a dime bag? …ive got nothing… he cleaned the kitchen, washed down the fridge and stove, vacuumed and now he’s in the bathroom scrubbing the tub. Haven’t met this girl yet but think I love her.

Enjoy your weekend.

TV’s Greatest “Off Screen” Quotes and Catchphrases

“Take ten, guys. The folks from Industrial Light and Magic are still working on Mr. Trump’s ‘hair.’”
-Director, The Apprentice

“Hey Diamond. Thanks for your advice. I’m gonna do Showgirls.”
-Elizabeth Berkeley, Saved By The Bell

“For the love of God, Mr. Rather. Please put on some pants!”
-Production Assistant, CBS Evening News

“Hey Jerry, I know we’re parodying Johnnie Cochran, but does this Jackie Chiles character have to be black?”
-Michael Richards, Seinfeld

“No Chris, you can’t be both the host and the bachelor this season.”
-Producer, The Bachelor

“I don’t give a good goddamn about your production schedule, Roddenberry. The Vulcan and I don’t kill Klingons on Yom Kippur!”
-William Shatner, Star Trek

“Sorry, Reiner. I only have sex with famous directors.”
-Sally Struthers, All in the Family

“I want the million dollar question to be ‘how big a bitch is Kathie Lee Gifford?’”
-Regis Philbin, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

“Guys, it’s just a stupid disco movie. I’ll be back next season.”
-John Travolta, Welcome Back, Kotter

“Quick, get the President a dictionary. We need to look up 'sexual relations.'
-Vernon Jordan, Clinton Presidential Address

“Simon, he’s just some delivery boy from Steve’s Deli. Do you think you could spare him the lecture about your turkey club being ‘an abomination to the culinary art of sandwich making?'”
-Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

“Okay, Lights. Check. Sound. Check. Pound of cocaine for Mr. Williams. Check.”
-Production Assistant, Mork & Mindy

“Enough with the lectures, Conrad. You talk to us kids like we’re gonna grow up to be a bunch of thieving, abusive crack addicts.”
-Gary Coleman, Diff’rent Strokes

“Hey Lauer, you’re not foolin’ anyone with the buzz cut, baldy.”
-Katie Couric, Today Show

“For the last time, I just matured. I did not have a full plastic surgery makeover after the '80s.”
-Patrick Dempsey, Grey’s Anatomy

“If I give each one of you suburbanite whores a car, will you promise to drive the fuck away from me?”
-Oprah Winfrey, The Oprah Winfrey Show

“Over here, Mr. Falk. This way. Peter, the camera’s over here.”
-Director, Columbo

“Camera one! Lift up an inch. Ms. Hatcher’s botox needle is in the shot!”
-Director, Desperate Housewives

“Sometimes, Ricky, I wonder how it would feel if it were the other way around. Y’know, if the ratings were bad, but we had some critical acclaim.”
-Jason Bateman, Silver Spoons

“Girls, I’ve decided NOT to appear on camera at the same time as you all, because it really destroys the illusion that any of yo’ ugly asses could ever be a real model.”
-Tyra Banks, America’s Next Top Model

“Yeah, I think we have a spare CD player that you can use during your performance. Why do you ask, Ms. Simpson?”
-Production Assistant, Saturday Night Live

“If we’re just playing games with each other’s balls that doesn’t mean we’re gay, right?”
-Steve-O, Jackass

“Babs, can you get me Elizabeth Vargas’s number?”
-Rosie O’Donnell, The View

“You’re going to ruin your career with that dumb mermaid movie, Tom. My Newhart audition went well. Maybe I can get you a guest spot.”
-Peter Scolari, Bosom Buddies

“I’ve called this cast meeting because Hollywood has come knocking. One of you will be starring in the new major movie Edward Scissorhands. Congratulations, Peter. . . naah, I’m just fuckin’ with ya, DeLuise! Johnny, Tim Burton’s on the phone for you.”
-Producer, 21 Jump Street

“Seriously, Jen. Are you kidding me with that haircut? If you still want to hang with me when I’m the breakout star of this show, you better get yourself to the salon.”
-Courtney Cox, Friends

“Relax, they’re just Quaaludes. It’s not like I’m gonna kill myself.”
-Freddie Prinze, Chico and the Man

“Listen, just say 'mission accomplished' and people with forget all about this war.”
-Karl Rove, Bush Press Conference

“So baby, I couldn’t help but notice the way you ate that bull’s penis.”
-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor

“What do you mean I forgot to include jokes in the script?”
-Alan Alda, M*A*S*H

“Christ, what’s wrong with you Mandel? How hard is it to remember one line? It’s ‘Would you like to make a deal or do you choose not to?’ Oh, fuck it. Just say ‘Deal or no deal!’ Do you think you can handle that, brainiac?”
-Director, Deal or No Deal

“Bro, of course, I’ll hook you up if I make it big as a director. You’re fuckin’ Anson Williams, man!”
-Ron Howard, Happy Days