DUI - CAROLINA STYLE

Only a person in North Carolina could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Kinston, North Carolina after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

MOE

This may be the gayest blog I have ever posted.

Enjoy!

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful." Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

ITALIAN PREGNANT DAUGHTER

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl, The man says" Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says to the man........ "You fuck her again."

What I have learned in life…

Considered blogging about, what I have learned in life. Thought of a few original ideas to mention but when I googled “what I have learned in life” I learned… there are thousands of “what I have learned in life” lists out there, so much for an original idea. Mixed a few of my personal observations with some of the better c&p. Can you tell the difference?

After washing a pot lid, lay it on a flat surface to drain the water from the rim. If it stands, or leans, the water collects to the bottom and smelly, slimy goo water sloooooowly drips out when it finally does get picked up.

It's not what you have in life that counts but whom you have in your life that counts.

That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

That money doesn't buy class.

The smelly, slimy, goo water that collects on and under the plastic countertop dish holder, or in a pot lid, is one of nature’s grosses phenomenons.

When you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I’ve learned that I both love and hate golf.

Always be yourself and don't let anyone change you.

It’s not a race to see who can get drunk first; it’s a game of moderation.

I’ve learned the importance of forgiveness because the past can affect your future if you let it.

As long as your children are ok nothing else really matters.

Pace yourself to ensure you’re drunk enough to have a good time but never to the point of meeting Ralph.

Maggots top the list as nature’s grosses phenomenon.

And last but certainly not least, my kids are the two most important people to me in the world.

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

You can't kill two birds with One Stone!!!

EVER SEE A PANDA GROW?

This blog thing
(has Webster’s dictionary added “blog” yet?)

I still enjoy keeping this blog thing updated and don’t really obsess over who may or may not be reading… so why not. Even if it’s just a daily cut and paste, some days you could find a gem on here. My last C&P made me lol, got a comment from Theresa and the best part; Robert didn’t send it to me. Who can forget the classic C&P “So you’ve got yourself a retard”? I was glad that lots of people admitted to laughing hard at that one. In my case I was crying at work hoping no one would notice. Stay tuned for more classless comedy just like that. Oh the good old days when every one was blogging and commenting their asses off. Damn you Facebook!!!


Actually I wanted to blog because I was excited about something for a change. Danielle called last night and at first she just sounded bored. We talked about nothing for a while until she mentioned she wants to go on a European vacation, alone. She’s saved some money and has enough put away to start school and a little left over to splurge on a vacation. She wants to go before she starts school full time. Told her that I wasn’t crazy about her traveling alone so she said why don’t you come with me. My first thought was what about John. Both Danielle and I said fuck John, but then thought maybe this is the motivation he needs to get a job and save some money. The more we talked the better I liked the idea. We have been checking 12-day vacation tour packages where you take in multiple cities in four different countries, seeing a lot of the continent from a high speed train. They also include stops at all the major cheezy tourist attractions, which is what I want. I’m going to tie this whole vacation into a Christmas gift and pay for each of the vacation packages, including accommodations, travel, access passes and some meals. Then all they have to save for is airfare and spending money, much easier for John. At first we talked about planning it around Christmas time, but talking further with Danielle tonight we will probably aim for March break next year. I think this is the reason I have been squirreling away my money for the past year. This may be the last chance I have to do something like this with my kids. A few years from now Danielle and John could be married with children. I really hope this happens!!

If you click on the article it will enlarge making it easier to read.

Ozark Logic

Two Ozark farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS ______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City ! ______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. ______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ________________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power bar back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ________________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi ! ______________________________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!.... They walk among us,....... they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!

Test for Dementia


"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test." Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

!. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: "bread."

If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???

If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.


4. Its twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?











Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.



5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales In London ,17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead is not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and The lager.

Forever and ever,

Barmen

A wealthy Italian man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said that he would pay her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born? To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and never mind ," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without, send bread!"

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007 BEFORE IT COMES TO A CLOSE

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.

#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

At the last company picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could only have one alcoholic drink per person.



I was fired for ordering the cups.

Welcome to Shithole ON, Canada

This weekend was beautiful for a bicycle ride. I really enjoy my bike, best money ever spent. Even better deal than my golf clubs because it doesn’t cost $32 (a buck a kilometre) to ride my bike around the bay. I never did make it around the bay this weekend. Friday the boss man let us off work at one o’clock so I grabbed the bike and rode through Gage Park. “Its Your Festival” was on this weekend. Most of the vendors were still setting up so it was way to early for music. I walked my bike through the park and then rode out the east end of the city, hung a left on Grays Rd to the lake, hung another left and rode to the lift bridge. Always a nice ride along the waterfront, lots to see!!! (All you manly men give yourself the silent wink and invisible handshake.) Rode out to the lighthouse and then back along the canal to the bay side and retraced my path through Confederation Park to the Grays Rd entrance again. Just like Forest Gump I turned and rode to the lift bridge again. When I was hungry I ate, when I was thirsty I drank, when I had to, you know, I hid behind a bush. At some point I stopped along a sheltered part of the beach, took off my sandals and got my feet wet. Removed my shirt to try and fade the golfers tan from the previous weekend. Even skipped a few stones. On the ride home I stopped at Gage Park, sat on the grass in the shade of a big tree and listened to a blues band. I sat through the whole set so either they were pretty good or I just needed the rest. That was the start to a pretty good weekend and it didn’t cost me a dime. Because I’m broke from my golf weekend the rest of my long weekend was bout the same, maybe just different bike routes. Both Chedoke and King’s Forest have public trails running through the golf courses and I stopped to watch more than a few shots. If I can’t afford to play at least I can walk my bike through a beautiful setting and watch golf. And it really is a nice relaxing way to spend a day. The Hamilton Waterfront, that I visited a few times this weekend, was packed with tourists. The trolley bus, that normally is empty, was full of blue hairs. Both waterfronts were crowded with walkers, cyclists and rollerbladers (my personal favourite, silent manly nod). I noticed and was very impressed with how clean the parks are, apart from for all the bird shit. The fowl population is flourishing along the bay front. A few times I had to slow to give a family of geese the right of way, I don’t need mom hissing at me. My cycling weekend in Shithole Hamilton was so moving that I thought I would blog about it. Until Karl gave me the extra inspiration needed to write this blog the wind was kinda taken out of my sails. On one of my last trips back from under the high-level bridge, written on the walkway, in fairly nice hand-writing (considering it was written with a spray paint can) were the words; I fucked your daughter last night.

Random Pictures; Part II

While playing on-line poker last week I downloaded a few random photos and saved them to draft. After reading Karl’s blog I remembered that I never published them. Scroll back about four blogs to see some random pictures.