WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

It's ok to kiss a fool.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you.
But don't let a kiss fool you.

Where there's smoke, you'll find my sister (guess which sister) cooking dinner.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

Don’t hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.

Not all men are fools...some are bachelors.

Penalty for bigamy: Two mothers-in-law.

If only women came with drop-down menus and on-line help.

Spouse: "Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single."

"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

A hug is a great gift, one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

Everyone needs to be loved...especially when they do not deserve it.

Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

MARRIAGE is the only WAR where you sleep with the ENEMY.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them ever again.

A woman's rule: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Women's breasts are like Toys: They're meant for kids, but usually it's the fathers who wind up playing with them.

Good women are like Martians, you hear a lot about them but you never actually see one.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

Trust is like virginity. You lose it once and that's it.

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on a milk carton.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

How is marriage like a hot bath? ... Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

ARGUMENT: A discussion that occurs when she’s right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.

Women are like toilets - they're either taken or full of doo-doo!

An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence: 'Woman without her man is nothing'. The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' All the women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'

Marriage is Grand, Divorce is twenty Grand.

In my house I am king, and my law is that whatever my wife says shall be done.

Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever.

Infatuation is the state of mind which has nothing to do with the mind.

Marriage is an institution. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a woman like a book, your library card has expired.

Marriage: An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, pretend to talk in your sleep.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Do not marry a person you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

If Marriage is bliss , And Ignorance is bliss. Then....

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

”Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth".

All men are idiots...I married their king.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets