If you didn't think my last blog was funny please don't read any further.

RAISING YOUR MENTALLY RETARDED CHILD

Part 1: Letting it sink in

Why us?

Your slow-witted, funny-looking child is seven years old and, despite the savage beatings you administer as punishment, he still drinks out of the toilet. The family doctor confirms your worst fears: you’ve got yourself a mongoloid. The first thing you ask yourself is, “What did we do to deserve this abomination?” Contrary to popular belief, making fun of retards as a child does not increase your chances of having a retarded kid yourself. If that were the case, everyone’s children would look alike and be afraid of water. No—you did something far worse to deserve your fate.

Is there anything we can do?

Legally speaking, no. The supreme court has made it clear that post-birth abortions are unconstitutional, even in cases of rape, incest, and awkwardness. Adoption is an option, but they tend to charge a lot more to take one of those cretins of your hands, especially if it already responds to a typical retard name, like Chaz or Roofus.

Loving the Beast

Obviously, a normal loving relationship is out of the question. However, you might one day come to accept your retarded child for what he or she is: a mildly amusing nuisance. While usually a hassle, mentals make wonderful entertainment at dinner parties and family gatherings. Ask them simple questions and laugh at their ridiculous answers or strip them naked and spray them with a hose. Just watch the drugs around them. They’re absolutely terrifying when you’re stoned.

Part 2: Daily Care

Feeding Them

Like goldfish, mongoloids don’t stop eating if food is around. Thus, if you are going to Europe for a month, you can’t simply leave a ten pound turkey in their food dish- they’ll eat until they die. You can get in a lot of trouble for that, so just ship them a pizza once a week.

Training Them

Most retards can be trained to achieve the obedience of a moderately well-behaved house pet. Using classical conditioning, develop a reinforcement schedule, punishing or rewarding your animal appropriately. For example, if it defecates in the washing machine, make it sleep outside in the rain. Or, if it finishes tilling the fields before sundown, leave a piece of cake in its cage.

Part 3: Education

Reading, Writing, and Not Hurting Yourself

Even mongloids need to attend school, if only to get them out of your hair for a few hours a day. There, they learn the important life lessons that you will be too depressed and frustrated to teach them, like not eating scissors or running with glue.

Transportation

A small benefit of having a mentally challenged child is getting to see the short bus every day. While your son or daughter brings you nothing but heartache, watching the other spasmos lick the seatbelts and poke each other with lollipops never gets old. When the Tart Cart arrives to temporarily relieve you of your nauseating charge, with fifteen identical heads drooling out the window, having earned the right to laugh almost makes bearable the living hell that has become your life.

Sports

Athletics are an integral part of a tard’s development. Eating bugs all day gives them an almost inhuman amount of energy, and unless you want them setting fire to family heirlooms and attacking the gawking disaster in the mirror with vintage bottles of wine, you better get them on a team. Youth soccer is the ideal sport for mongoloids because of the large, wide-open field and lack of sharp objects. Your child can go the entire season without ruining the fun for everyone else. If you sign your child up for a more nuanced sport like baseball, prepare to be extremely embarrassed when it forgets the infield fly rule or misses the signal for a hit-and-run or carries second base off into the woods.

The Ivy League of Retardation

There are a number of special communities for super-retards, i.e. the ones who can brush their own teeth with minimal adult supervision. It is the goal of all parents to send their mutated offspring to one of these concentration camps, where they will spend the rest of their lives using their tiny fingers to make greeting cards and paper flowers. These communities are located on islands and fenced in corners of the wilderness, since the horror of stumbling upon such a village and being offered tootsie-rolls by two hundred groaning midgets would render any traveler as feeble and helpless as the very rejects haunting the woods. They say no man has ever returned from a retard village. We advise you buy your kid a bus ticket and say, “fare thee well.”

Part 4: Personality

Temperament

The mentally challenged are emotionally unstable and utterly helpless. They do not respond well to slaps in the face, running faucets, or being dropped off on the side of the road because they wouldn’t stop crying in the back seat. If a smoke alarm goes off, they don’t, as you or I would, say to themselves, “Where is that unpleasant sound coming from? What is causing it to make that sound and how can I disable the appropriate mechanism?” No. They just run around screaming like retards.

Social Skills

Retards are very inconsiderate. If they had the slightest regard for the happiness of their parents, they would have wandered off years ago. In addition to their horrible table manners, they lack adequate conversational skills and rarely (if ever) remember the names of new acquaintances, all of which can reflect poorly on you. When introducing the travesty to others, make sure to point out that your dirty, self-absorbed moron of a child was born that way.

Sex

Though the thought is humorous, mentals should not be having sex. In fact, it’s probably illegal. Sure, you could videotape your child and its love interest having sex and sell the video on eBay for, say, $49.99 with a title like “Mongoloid Love” or “Ass-Fucking on the Short Bus.” But God only knows what the child of two retards would look like. Furthermore, they're just as likely to be sexually attracted to stuffed animals and rocking chairs as other “human” beings.

Part 5: The Benefits of Having Your Very Own Retard

Skipping Long Lines

When you suffer a nervous breakdown and lose your job because your twelve year old child can’t read and eats glass, at least you won’t have to wait around at the unemployment office. Just parade the little goofball around on a leash and skip to the front of the line at liquor stores, gun retailers, and racetracks.

Nowhere to Go but Up

In conclusion, having a mentally retarded child is a fate far worse than death, which means that life can’t really get any worse for you. Paralysis, stroke-induced blindness, bankruptcy…all of these tragedies pale in comparison with having a 19-year old son whose favorite color is “dog.” So cheer up! God can’t fuck you any more.