My Favourite Christmas Cookie Recipe


1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal


Sample the Crown Royal to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
- Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
- Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
- At this point it's best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.
- Turn off the mixer thingy.
- Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
- Mix on the turner.
- If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.
- Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.
- Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a sheet.
- Check the Crown Royal.
- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one table.
- Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find.
- Greash the oven.
- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
- Don't forget to beat off the turner.
- Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
- Finish the bottle of Crown Royal.
- Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas

A CHRISTMAS STORY


Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.


"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."


“And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.


"How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred dollar bill and ran to my car.

Some last minute gift ideas for the little ones on your list...........

....and lots of little ones out there this year

HO HO HO

It took me all weekend but I finally got my tree up

This is for the old fogies

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 .

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter

Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

*Twas the month before Christmas*

*When all through our land,*

*Not a Christian was praying*

*Nor taking a stand.*

*See the PC Police had taken away,*

*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*

*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*

*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*

* December 25th is just a " Holiday ".*

*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*

*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*

*Something was changing, something quite odd! *

*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*

*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*

* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*

*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*

*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*

*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*

*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*

*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*

*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*

*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*

*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*

*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*;

* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*

*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*

*So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"*

*Sipping your Hortons, listen to me.*

*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*

*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS,
not Happy Holiday!*

This Year's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates...


"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.. He flicked it on . . "It represents a candle" he said..


"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.. He shook them and said, "They're bells."


Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."


The third man started searching desperately through all of his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties...


St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, " These are Carol's. "

Old Harold


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T


I used to like Harold.

Computer error messages we can understand

Man In The House


For any of you that didn’t know Karl stayed at my place the previous two weeks during work term coverage at a woman’s prison in Kitchener. I was very disappointed to learn there are no beautiful convicts offering up blowjobs through chain link fence. Think I saw it in a movie once… One of Karl’s first impressions between male and female convicts is that the women want stuff. Surprised? Karl was offered; if you give me something (the “something” was not specific) I’ll tell you what the lesbians do in here at night. Makes one wonder what you’d discover with a whole carton of smokes. It takes some getting use to having an extra person live here. My place is small so Karl has to adjust too, with people eating on his bed or sitting on it watching tv when he’s trying to stretch out for the night. John is making the biggest adjustment, going to bed at a 10 o’clock. Karl and I have grown a lot alike when it comes to an early bedtime. "Grown" being proper and I’ll just leave off the word “old”. Actually it hasn’t been too bad having him stay here. It was nice to come home to clean dishes and steaks ready to throw on the bbq. If I could find someone to do that every night ...and love to suck dick… I’d throw Karl’s ass out in a second and get re-married tomorrow. But I know that's not how it works, to bad eh! Anyway Karl’s ass will be back on my couch for another week and a half starting Sunday night. I'm going to pick him up a carton of smokes and a tape recorder to take to work. He’ll finish his work term with a puffy chest and an inflated ego because every time he enters a convict’s residence they announce to all, “man in the house”.


Now back to the cut and paste…

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

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In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)