BOO

Some scary pictures for Halloween

Is this monkey very brave or very stupid?

RICK EM RACK EM
RICK EM RUCK EM
GET THAT BALL
AND REALLY FFFFFIGHT!!!


Did you watch the TC game last night? The first offensive play, after a penalty, was a long interception thrown right into the arms of a TC defensive back. I swear it was a CFL “back door” deal offered up as a gift to the few faithful TC fans sitting in the rain watching their team lose… again! Maybe the rich TC Owner made a generous donation to the players pension fund and they tossed him a bone. I could look up how many games the TC’s lost over the last few seasons but why bother. They are so bad …how bad are they… One defensive player on BC has more interceptions this year then all the TC players combined. I can’t remember the name of the TC player that intercepted the end zone pass to start the game because there’s been way to many players this year to remember. I recognized more TC players in the Saskatchewan Edmonton game that followed. Apparently Casey “owwww my finger” Printers was pumped before the game because he wanted to show BC what they let slip away… and he did. Printers looks like a quarterback, throws like a qb, big, quick release, good wheels. In my opinion, the team doesn’t utilize his speed enough or is it just …owww my hamstring is still sore. It was a perfect script for Dickenson to come off the bench and threw a long TD pass right on the money, his first play. I’m afraid Printers did prove to BC what they let slip away. Printers has a way of talking the talk, like with his locker room speech after getting signed telling the team, I know you were all losers before but I’m here now and I’m a winner, in the process making lots of new friends. Maybe Printers should try and walk the walk, shut the fuck up and play some football like I know, I hope, he can. I’m more of a TC fan than I sometimes like to admit, but I really do believe they have potential superstar (yes I used the word superstars) in key CFL football positions, middle line backer, running back, punter and quarterback. I believe!! I believe next year Printers and Lumsden will not be sitting on the sidelines comparing owwwweees. I believe!!!

CIGARETTES
CIGARETTES
CIGARETTES
BUTTS
WE GOT ARGOS
BY THE NUTS

OSKEEWEEWEE!!

I apologize to any non TC loving readers but I couldn’t keep putting cut and paste on here. If that’s the case than why bother blogging? It was either replay last night’s TC game or tell you that while I watched the game I also finished 33rd out of 4300 players in an online poker tournament and won over 3700 free chips on a 520 chip buy-in. Just short of 3 hours of playing poker to win free poker chips. Oh Boy! As you can see it really is hard for me to find stuff I’m passionate enough to write about. Not to sound like I’m bragging but I am reading a book now. That doesn’t leave a lot of time to blog either. The book may take some time because I’m reading it a few pages at a time, while taking a shit, or in bed. Danielle read it first and gave it to John thinking he might like it. The book is Shake hands with the devil, by Romeo Dallaire. It’s about the failure of humanity in Rwanda, word for word off the front of the book (I had to get it anyway for the spelling of Dallaire). Lieutenant General Romeo Dallaire was the Canadian soldier that led the UN peacekeeping effort (weak on “effort” according to old man Dallaire) in Rwanda. The book is not bad, starts slow, and uses way too many united forces acronyms to describe events involving all the international party’s there at the time. I have to silently move my lips trying to pronounce the multi syllable African names of all the different leaders involved. This book is going to take me forever! I recently saw that Hollywood is making it into a movie. Maybe I can see it before going to Europe with the kids. I can fool Danielle into thinking I actually read it. BTW for anyone that didn’t know, we cut Rome off of our fabulous European vacation. Almost an extra $4,000 for two more days in Rome was a little steep, now its just four nights in London and three nights in Paris. Tuesday night I’m going to place the down payment to hold the trip. I’m paying for the trip, including airfare, as their Christmas present this year. We asked John to save about $1,000 for spending while there. Doesn’t make much sense to go all the way to Europe and not spend to have a good time. I don’t think I’ll ever get back there. Danielle is still calling me almost every night it has been great!!

Well there, hopefully that was enough for you non-sports readers. Like I said previously I could fill this blog with the ups and downs of raising a teenage rock star, but if Johnson found out there would be more downs and we don’t need that. I will mention that John recently started jamming with a group of kids from high school. I picked him up after their first jam night and John was pumped. Got home and we had an up-night with a few laughs discussing the benefits of John being in a rock band. Why yes I am in the band so suck my dick. Also discussed their picks for a band name, I don’t think “I fucked your Mother” was one of their better choices. I said they probably could get away with F-Bomb and instantly liked it. John liked it better then my other suggestion, Hoc a Luggie.

Well there you go! It is raining here today so it was either blog or clean for me, but this pig sty still needs some cleaning so I better get at it. Now I won’t feel so guilty putting lots of cut and paste on here next week. See Ya!!

Sorry for not posting an original blog on here for some time now. The weather has been so great lately that it keeps me busy outdoors. Here's another "quality" cut and paste because ...i've got nothing...

Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quitehumorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not upthere?"

SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE BALLS.

Dear Redneck Son

A letter from mom

Dearest Son,

Im writing this slow because I know you can't read too fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week... the first time for three days and the second time for four days. Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. About that coat you wanted me to send. Your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt,

Mom

Dating by Bobbie

When I'm 100, if I Lean a Little, Let Me!


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson... "They won't let me fart."

OMAZING GRACE

Never let a crack-head sing at your funeral.

In 1923, Who Was

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful in their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the ripe old age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf!


Here are 10 more reasons to play golf

What’s on TV?

I watched The Office tonight. When the ugly red headed girl, who was hit by a car in the first episode, asked Jim to sign her cast I laughed out loud. Later Michael tells us he wont cry over the way Ryan is treating him because he already did that on the drive back…. Ohhh It’s still good! This season they seem to be establishing story lines to include more of the minor characters in the show, Ryan being Michael’s new boss, and Angela looking for a new boyfriend, should keep the writing fresh and funny. Like I mentioned earlier, I get bored real quick.

I never did watch a second episode of the Bionic Woman but so far I’ve watched all three episodes of Kid Nation. Because I watch any sporting event on TV, John and I don’t watch together often. Kid Nation is one of the few shows that we do watch together. I really enjoyed the first two shows but John missed the last episode and I didn’t seem to enjoy it as much alone. I’m getting bored already with The Biggest Losers too. I like to see them working and sweating and, after one of the team members gets voted to go home, crying but the weigh-ins are excruciating to watch. I have a better idea, weigh the whole team together, save half a show and show more of the working, sweating and crying.

I have a lot of good ideas for television shows. How about Extreme Home Makeover - 20 years later? Have the camera come back into the lives of the lucky family’s and show how Extreme Home Makeover has impacted their lives. The craziest episode I watched was when they rebuilt this family of nine a beautiful home in Harlem. This house looked a little out of the ordinary in the middle of a ghetto. My new show will highlight the family’s successes but also introduce us to the grown man who as a boy dreamt of becoming a pilot. They could interview him while he’s crouched in the corner of his sky blue, fluffy clouded room, puffin on a crack pipe, all because his sister with the rare immune disease, sleeping in a purified ventilation room, has out achieved him in life. Now that is good TV!!

Lonely guy

This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug) which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!" A little voice came out of the box - "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damn shoes"

Did you vote?

I always vote, even if it’s to just throw it away like I did tonight. Damn it, the Liberals had broken so many promises that they actually ran out of promises to break. Or maybe I’ve paid too much attention to Progress Conservative commercials. I watched the big three debate but all politicians are fluent in double speak. It’s all just smoke and mirrors no one really cares about funding for faith-based schools, do they? The Liberals and the media grab a hold of one minor issue and ram it down our throats, effectively avoiding any real issues, and leaving us to feel safe with the status quo for a few more years. But maybe that’s not so bad. I really want to make an informed decision when I vote. Last night I watched a panel of experts debate Ontario’s issues on The Agenda with Steve Paikins. (Now I can go into a rant here about how much TV and the Leaf’s suck but I’ll leave that for another night.) I really enjoyed the show, it focused a lot on multi-culturalism and how Ontario is leading Canada, and Canada is leading the world, with integration of many different cultures into one society. With the mix breeding of cultures eventually all our babies will be beige that is if the earth doesn’t collapse in on itself because of broken political environmental promises. As the joke goes... diapers and politicians need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.

Organ Lady

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!


You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests! Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.? (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...


May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

How To Dance Like A White Guy

Crack In Airplane Window..Unbelievable



This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!


Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers
beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.


This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9.


I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

This is why I don't work out

SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the Police are called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007- Police are called; SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra district funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pierre fails high-school English.

1977 - Pierre goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pierre's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Lawyers file class action lawsuit against the public school system and Pierre's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pierre is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Hallowe'en firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - RCMP is called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. They investigate his parents; siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

How to correctly weigh yourself...

I can't believe I was doing

it wrong all these years.

We must get the word out.