Go ahead and get married


David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous First Guy (proudly):
"My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Laundry Night; Part XXIV

I think the only reason I keep this blog going is for Theresa. Haven’t added anything on here in a week or so but nothing ablog worthy. Last weekend was all right. Rode my bike up to Jeff and Lindsay’s new place, luckily Lindsay spotted me ride by before driving off to a family breakfast. Jeff circled around and I was able to at least see their new kitchen, which by the way turned out real nice. Then I rode over to visit mom for a bit, Mickey was cleaning for an open house. She was happy to see my bike with muddy tires wheeled into her freshly mopped hallway. When I left and rode past Theresa and Wayne’s place there was a black Focus parked in the driveway so stopped in for a quick visit. Sam and a lady friend, Aleah, spent the morning at Killoman Zoo with Kohen. When I arrived they had just got Kohen down for a nap, Sam was real happy to see me!! Started to squeeze down between the two of them and asked what do you two crazy kids have planned for the afternoon but Sam kept poking me with something telling me oh its too bad you have to leave so soon Uncle Michael. Hey!! I’m starting to see a theme here, stopped in to see family and all I got was the bums rush. Well I never! I never get treated like that in Muskoka. When I arrive late the converter is positioned on my pillow, on my couch, pointed towards my tv and my Norty is first one down in the morning with my cuddles. Actually I should do a whole other blog on how well I'm treated by the Muskoka Gower's, ...especially Karl. They feed me they hydrate me, they wash my dirty dishes, they entertain me, they love me... after Karl's asleep of course. Karl, I thought of you on Saturday as I rode past several garage sales in the west end of Hamilton with the big old homes below the escarpment and again past the big new homes on the west mountain. Many of them multiple family sales, you would have loved it.

Anyway my family didn't entirely ruin my weekend because Sunday we golfed. Not very well, but the weather held out and Sam Brad and I got in 29 holes for $20 after 4 o’clock, $0.69 a hole. That's Muskoka cheap, not bad!!

New Golf Book

I have been very busy over the past two years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.

Here is the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies", which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observation of golfing partners.



Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earning

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Urinate Behind a 4" x 4" Post Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 12 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 14 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 15 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 16 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 17 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 18 - Use a Strong Grip on the Hand Wedge and a Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $7.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 Tip ...and will balk at $5.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy

Thank you!

"War On Gas"

Join the resistance! I hear we are going to hit close to $1.50 a liter by summer and it might possibly go higher! Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united action.

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going around earlier! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work.

Please read on and join with us! By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $.79/litre is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.10 for regular unleaded in my town. Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a liter of gas is CHEAP at $.79 - $.99, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.

Here's the idea:

Starting June 1 of 2007 DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the biggest Company in Canada. Petro Canada! If they are not selling any gas, they will be very quickly inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. Think about this. Petro Canada has 1500 retail locations and the entire country consumes 68 million gallons a day. Yes per day. And Petro Canada is Canada's largest gasoline retailer, then doesn't it make sense that the consumer can bring this giant to its knees and force them to lower their prices. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Petro Canada gas buyers.

Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest that we not buy from Petro Canada UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO A REASONABLE PRICE AND KEEP THEM DOWN.

PATIENT: "Doc, I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Fatal overdose in Detroit

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD...

Looooooooong weekend

I’m doing laundry and thought I would add chit on here. Really looking forward to this extended weekend, took tomorrow and Tuesday off. Heading north soon to meet Hannah and hopefully play a little golf. Weather should be good, not too hot. Already picked up John and bought him grocery supplies for the weekend, he’s not going to his mom’s this weekend. Why would he when he has the place to himself for the weekend? About the only hard rule is no party!! I’ve heard stories of how “the bad” kids will intentionally trash a place during the party. Little bastards have no respect for anything. But not my John, or on my next trip to Muskoka he’ll be forced to stay at his mom’s. I love using that threat on him.


Have a great weekend everyone, I plan on it.

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet; in a year's time whichever family has become more American will win.

A year later they meet again: The first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead!"

BANGOR LODGE LIMITED

WE ARE SORRY TO INFORM YOU
THE LODGE HAS CLOSED.

The Lodge was sold in October 2006 and at this time we do not believe the new owners have any plans to operate the Lodge.

We thank all who stayed with us and wish you all the very best for the future.

DOES ANYONE RECOGNIZE THIS PLACE?

The New Canadian Rant

My name is Mike and I AM CANADIAN

I am a minority in Vancouver, Toronto and every casino in this country.

I was born in 1959, yet I am responsible for some FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE BEING SCREWED OUT OF THEIR LAND in the 1700's.

I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.

I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.

All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.

I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant. These same people cannot name this country's new territory.

Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft dinner and don't have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.

Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.

95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.

I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that matter.

I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.

I believe that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.

Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.

I believe spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize the English language.

I believe that paying $30 million for 3 Stripes ("The Voice of Fire Painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, Even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.

When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say "Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans."

I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry because I control the rain.

My national anthem has versions in both official languages and I don't know either of them.

Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.

I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is fucking broke.

My name is Mike, and I am Canadian.

Johnny's back at school


The teacher asked, "Class use the word contagious in a sentence." Molly put her hand up and said, My little sister has chickenpox and they are contagious. The teacher said, "Very good Molly." Sally raised her hand and said, "My little brother has the mumps and they are contagious". The teacher said, "Very good Sally." Little Johnny was jumping around in his seat, hand raise in the air, waving back and forth. The teacher had been stung with Johnny's remarks before and was very reluctant to let him speak. Unfortunately he was the only other child in the class with his hand up. So the teacher thought she better give him a chance. "OK Johnny, give me a sentence with the word contagious in it" Johnny was all excited that he was given a chance. He said, "Teacher my dad was sitting in the lawn chair with his friend drinking beer. My mom was cutting the lawn. Dad said to his friend "It's going to take that contagious to cut the lawn.

The perfect day, well almost

Yesterday was like that for me. In the morning Sam and I went to golf at old Knollwood. It was a perfect day for golf, well almost. Wore shorts and short sleeves so it was a little cool when the wind picked up. Got my first birdie of the season. Might have been the new shoes or it could have been I was lucky enough to put three good shots together to be on the par 5 green and finish with a long one putt. I love golf!! I didn’t love it so much when I took an honest ten on the next par five. I do love golf enough to be going back to play at Caistorville after Kohen gets picked up at three today.

After yesterday's golf Sam and I stopped to grab Kohen at Mickey’s place and got to visit with family for a bit. Left Mickey’s and stopped at The Barn to buy a couple of strip loins to throw on the bbq. Fried up onions with mushrooms and even had sour cream for the baked potatoes. Strip loin steak cooked to perfection with the above mentioned condiments is my death row last meal request. Tried the highly recommended Montreal steak rub for the first time and didn’t love it. Usually I just brush the steak with virgin olive oil, sprinkle a generous supply of Montreal steak spice before throwing it on the bbq. From now on I’ll stick with that. The meal was perfect, well almost. Waiting for the baked potatoes I left the steaks on the bbq a little to long. There was no pink, but they were still pretty good.

I ended my perfect day by falling asleep on the couch after watching two of my playoff pool players score in the Ottawa, Buffalo hockey game. I can’t help but think what else would have ultimately made yesterday a perfect day???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywg-PdeGVL0

Paul is dead

Let me take you down cause I’m going to… an idea that John had for a blog. It was a previous blog-block laundry night and I was desperately trying to think of nothing to write about. John suggested I link The Beatles you-tube video to Strawberries Fields and ask you to watch because whenever they sang, “nothing is real” the video flashes to some eerie shots of Paul because Paul is dead. My first thought was the boy found my stash, but then I thought isn’t it remarkable the appeal the Beatles still have 40 years after their break-up. John owns more Beatles cds than I do.

It looks like Kris and Geoff’s baby whatshername is already affecting my life. If it weren’t for that stubborn kid taking her time, Karl and I would be golfing together this weekend. Muskoka’s weather forecast looks great this weekend but I don’t want to go up two weekends in a row… do I? Danielle thinks I’m awful using the excuse of whatshername’s birth to plan a weekend of cheap golf in Muskoka, Karl doesn’t seem to mind. BTW I heard they’re calling whatshername, taute Michele. I’m honoured!!

Update on a previous blog, Danielle’s trip to London was cancelled because the database wasn’t quite ready for an audit. Poor Danielle has to settle for NYC again. I’m taking a half-day vacation tomorrow to drive her to the airport. She’s gone for 8 nights but will have company while Ryan’s at work next week. A couple of his friends are flying in after the weekend and crashing in his suite at the Hilton. Danielle now has other people to explore the big apple with, I like that!

Well I’m off to get my clothes out of the dryer. Sorry I tried to link the strawberry fields video but it didn’t work. Maybe I’ll try again later. Cha!

Weird Houses

Or more photoshop handy work?

I thought these were pretty cool until John pointed out its all the same truck.

This reminds me of my mom and Lucy

Subject : Child Custody Case


Toronto, Canada - A seven year old boy was at the centre of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Need a ride

You lucky blog readers!! Something out of the ordinary happened today. Remember auntie Linda and Carrie? Well Carrie’s best friend Isabel started working for Ford Remarketing Services (aka Pareto) a little over a month ago. Isabel used to work for ADESA, that’s where she met Carrie. Carrie works for a vehicle finance company that operates out of Toronto’s auto auction. Conveniently on the morning when I left for Halifax there was a meeting at the Toronto auction. Just before leaving for the airport I ran into Carrie and we chatted about Bill and their on-again off-again relationship, which by the way is off-again. Carrie asked me what company I work for and when I told her she was excited to ask if I knew Isabel. Turns out Isabel now occupies the cubical right across from me, we sit facing each other all day. Currie was Isabel’s maid of honour at her second marriage. Man do I have a knack for stretching a long boring story, anywhooo... Because she also lives in the 7th greatest city in the universe, most days Isabel and I race to the door and then out along Harvester Rd. Isabel beat me out the door I was no contest for her tonight. The colour of her cavalier is between a pink and purple puke. I believe on her first day I bet that her husband never drives that car. So today I’m a few minutes behind her and as soon as I turn onto Harvester Rd I immediately spot her puke colour car across the street parked up on the curb and Isabel is sitting on the grass smoking a cigarette. Already there is a tow truck on the scene and the driver jumps out to talk to her. I pulled into the next driveway and stopped. From this side I could see all the damage to the front of her vehicle, both airbags deployed. Assumed she ass-ended someone but I didn’t see another vehicle. A lady was there and told me she heard the crash and watched the car cross the road and bump up on the curb. I asked her where’s the other vehicle and she pointed to a car in a driveway further down the street. Isabel was pretty shaken up but luckily not really hurt. She was half laughing and half crying and then she said the words; I just want to cry, and she started. Thank fuck the other lady was there because she held her and told her you go ahead and cry. It could have been awkward the next day at work if I was the one that held her while grinded myself into her hip, whispering in her ear, its okay its okay. Anyway the ambulance came they let her finish her cigarette and then took her into the back. I waited to see if she needed a ride or something but her husband was on the way and the cop wanted to talk to her so I split. Can’t wait to share this story over and over with the hens in the office tomorrow. Have I told you how much I hate working in an office with all women? But that’s a whole other long boring blog for another laundry night.