Hey all! Most of you already know but I’m flying to Halifax tomorrow at 5pm landing back in Toronto Friday at 10:35am. Karl reminded me to bring my camera so you might get some exciting photos of the auction, hotel room and airport next. ooooooooo Stay tuned! Nothing else exciting in my life happened lately. While getting a grocery cart some old guy (older than me) dropped a firecracker next to me. When I looked back he was gone, he must have ran around the corner of the building. Definitely odd, but blog worthy… well I guess so. Doing a quick blog between loads, not only does travel mess with my shit cycle but now its fucked laundry night too. Anyway I have to go, same deal as last trip, the place is clean when I leave and it better be clean when I get home… and hide the empty rye bottle this time.

Blog lots while I'm gone.

Dan, Aunt Mickey has your money.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian? (Shameless Hijacking of Another Website)

*I'm not insulting the Bible, only the interpretation of it. By waaaay too many people.*by Audrey Morris (notes)

3:28am Thursday, Nov 16, 2006Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet:


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own a Canadian?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination -Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different cropsin the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident that you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim

TV Guide

Jackpot Diaries is on Sunday pre-noon, not sure of the time or channel. What do I look like a tv guide!!! I found it rapidly flipping channels one Sunday morning because tv sucks. It only caught my attention because it wasn’t religion. Anyway, this black single 50ish woman who’s punched a time clock her whole life to raise 3 or 4 kids without their daddies, wins $14.4M but opts for the $7.9M cash settlement. She bought herself a Benz and a Porsche and then a nice house for under $300,000. The show takes you into the lives of all the immediate family. She moved her one daughter and son in law into her former newly re-furnished small townhouse. The black son in law got a few lol’s from John and I. He recently was unemployed and not happy that the old lady bought them a used $6,000 vehicle and didn’t even ask them to help pick out the new furniture in the over crowded townhouse. She always wanted to go to Hawaii and took her younger two kids who complained the whole time. It shows her on a helicopter ride while the bored kids are sitting back at the hotel. All the kids were pissed because mom threw a big fancy party at her new house for all the people she used to work with and didn’t invite any of them. It was hilarious!!

John thought I should blog about the girl from small town USA working a minimum wage job as a cashier at the local gas station/restaurant. This hick girl scratches a one million dollar ticket and buys the joint from her employer, Terry Derry Barry. YeeHaw!! Can’t make this stuff up.

Since it is tv guide, I briefly mentioned this in an earlier blog but if you ever get a chance to see Best of the Worst or Peep Show watch them. I first found best of the worst on alluc.org and John researched the regulars on the show and found Peep Show. Best of the worst is a kind of improv comedy game with partial video and the celebrity panel has to guess which will end worst. Peep Show can loosely be described as an English version of the odd couple but funnier. If you like English humour you should like both these.

Who doesn’t miss a violent Heckle and Jeckel cartoon those crazy magpies. Which of them will have the golf club wrapped around his neck first. Indubitably.

This is the best copy and paste I received last week.

A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.

“We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?" Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekid and we're in bed. What do I do now?" Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked," Did you take your clothes off, too?" "No." the son replies. "Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her."

The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?" The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"

The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

Life's lessons

A couple of first tonight, John fixed a flat on his bike and I made meatloaf. Both of us were long overdue. I think there was a failed attempt at meatloaf for me previously so this is a first attempt at good meatloaf. A leftover meatloaf sandwich on fresh bread is comfort food for me. Sam and I haven’t been wooing the ladies but we’ve been swapping some good recipes. Thanks sweetie!

John’s out for a ride on his bike, testing the new tube, and I’m just about ready to take in a comfortable messy sandwich.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me

On occasion I’ll apologize for previous blogs. Sorry, there really should be a filter between me typing some blogs and then hitting publish… fuck that!! I can say whatever I want! Like I said I’m such an old man now. Seven years older than my old man. As a young man I was choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, doing the five knuckle shuffle, waxing the dolphin, rub da chub, beat da meat, knocking out the one-eyed champ, often so deal with it. I first noticed I was getting old when new hairs grew out of my ears and nose. Then I purchased a bicycle and found myself joining the great herds of 40something men at the local waterfront. Next will be the malls. I purchased recyclable grocery bags and used them. Everything sucks on tv because television executives don’t target my demographic. Major birthdays, like 30 or 40 haven’t bothered me but when I got my first grey pubic hair that’s when I knew… grandma really did have a white bush. Hey if you’re not getting older your dead. Right!

…if I’m 64.

You’re getting my laundry blog early because it really needed to get done tonight. I’m working outdoors at the auction tomorrow, looks like the boss may be telling the truth about me getting out more often. I like that!!

Hey all, I’m back from my fabulous working vacation where I took in some scenic views of the airport, hotel, auction and a few nice restaurants. Should have put on about 20 lbs. last week. I’m usually a pretty regular guy but traveling throws off my shit cycle. My first shit of the week happened Thursday afternoon after farting in a car (good thing I was alone) and just knowing that this is the night racing back to the hotel. Stuffing myself with all that fine food I was overdue for a good shit. I’m such an old man now. As a younger man traveling with the railway there was an excitement about staying in a nice hotel in a new city, wouldn’t be able to sleep and masturbated most nights in front of the many large mirrors. This week I slept fine, didn’t touch myself all week had a good shit Thursday night and was impressed that it was a double flusher.

When I returned the apartment was probably cleaner then when I left, but there was an empty bottle of rye with the recyclables. I said to John you’re supposed to hide that before I get home. He claims it was Nicki’s and then showed me the bite mark she left on his neck. I’ve heard a couple of wild story’s about this Nicki but John said Brittany was here when he got the bite mark that looks a lot like a hickey.


We’re off to dinner at my mom’s, hopefully I got some good cut and paste emails sent to me last week for you’ll.

I’m leaving on a jet plain…

Country boy John Denver once sang those words but I due no when I’ll bee back again, late Friday knight. I’m off four too glorious days at Vancouver ADESA followed bye three fabulously nites in Calgary. Work travel isn’t as much fun as people mite think. It always feels rushed with a lot of time spent waiting in airport terminals and buy the end of the week I’m sick of eating restaurant food, but eye due save money. Real happy two bee unchained from my desk, when I worked at Campbell’s their we’re a lot more opportunities too get outdoors, witch I really miss. Don’t mind working in severe weather conditions, as long as your dressed appropriately. Just chequed weather.ca and conditions can’t exactly be described as severe, knot even inclement, it’s going two be a good weak. During my annual job review they told me too get out moore and meat the auction people I email all dey, may even find myself in Halifax and Montreal in the next few weaks. I can live with that, sew can Jon. He’s going two bee home alone during March Brake. Were heading out soon to grocery shop four the week that means more tuna, rice, bread, pee soup, beans and pasta. I left him a $100 to eat take-out during the week but John prefers the diet just described. Wouldn’t bee at all surprised two get $93 back, less his weekly laundry costs. Tomorrow I’ll bea cleaning with the understanding that I will return too a cleen apartment… or next time he’ll have to stay in Milton!!! Anyway I guess he’s ready now.

Have a great weak.

Optimum points?


A walk to Shopers Drug mark four breed ended up cotsing me $11 buks. I was doin a jungling act wit all da knew stfuf bye da time me reaches the cheque-out. Shoulda gots a basquet. Coulda safed a “Claen-up in ailse for.” Woulda bien find if they’d onely allows you two puts it’n you’re pockits.

Lets hear it for the greatest guitarist no one’s ever heard.

John wanted to drop grade 11 guitar for gym. Because he’s a procrastinator, like his old man, he missed the submission date. I asked John, it’s an easy credit, why? Hey, isn’t that what high school is all about, an easy credit. John scored 100% on his first two tests but the songs are getting tougher. He had his third test today but he’s out now with his mom, so I haven’t heard how he did yet. On his birthday I asked him to bring his acoustic to Theresa’s and practise his song for everyone but… Say’s he gets nervous when he takes the tests at school and his fingers feel sweaty on the strings and he shakes. Gets that from his old man too, I was shaking when I had to show my second 4 of kind at Rama. Believe it or not I flopped both of them, which is a whole other blog that I once thought to write, but I digress. The guitar teacher is so impressed he asked John if he takes grade 12 guitar would he be interested in working as a TA for grade 11 students and earn a credit. Because isn’t that what high school is all about, those easy credits.

Anyway gotta sink full of dishes!! Sucks when John has money after his birthday because I’m doing most of the cleaning around here lately. It’s also Wednesday that means laundry night. Because it was crowded and I’m getting that big phat cheque, let chop suet do my laundry.

Best Round Ever

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition at the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.


He was jubilant ... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?" "I hope you're proud of yourself!” “While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!”


“It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!” “For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"


The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.


The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?”

This is far cry from taking a red plastic shovel filling a yellow plastic pail, turning it over and calling it a sand castle.

Does anyone recognize this guy? He play’s David Platt on Coronation Street. The other day at work this older guy who brings our water saw a picture of John and Danielle on my desk and said; That boy is the spitting image of Gale’s son on Coronation Street. I don’t watch Coronation Street but Sherry does so the next time we spoke I asked if she knew Gale’s son. I told her the story and Sherry said no way John doesn’t look like anything like Gale’s son. Now that I found the right cast member from the show, I have to admit he does look a little like John.

Mark it!!


March 5, 2007, 6 pm-ish, income tax is done and mailed, the old fashion way by snail mail. Let’s see how long it takes those lazy government workers to get me my refund. It’s 52 cents for a stamp but because the Government Issue envelope is larger and heavier then most it cost $0.99. What a rip paying extra government tax to send your mandatory annual government personal income tax to the government!! It would really suck tho, if I had to pay. Daddy’s getting a big phat cheque to blow on a big phat bag of weed and a big phat hooker.

Oops! Gotta go pick up John at Eastgate Square.

What do you think, should I have my refund by April Fools??

I like to watch the biker build off competitions

This is one of the better ones I've seen

If some thought was put into this picture the blue balloons would have been reversed.













Doesn't everyone look happy?

John hates these kind of things. He's having a birthday breakfast this morning with his other family that I know he dreads even more.

OMG are they smiling?

Kohen ignored me when I asked about his haircut. He must wonder how many times do I have to answer the question; Did Kohen get a new haircut?

That is one big sandwich! Still have about a quarter of that in the fridge and I don't feel like eating sub had my fill last night. Don't think I'd do that again.

Theresa if you haven't found it yet (I know how much you like to put off house cleaning) that unopened beer in the picture is sitting under one of the chairs in your living room.

Brittany threw a party for John on Friday night at her gay uncles house. Britany and her friend were in the bathroom by 11 pm puking. John said everytime he went into the bathroom to check on them he would get another drunken rendition of happy birthday to yooouuuughhhhhh!!

I bought John a set of acoustic, electric and classical guitar strings. Friday morning before going to work I left him a note telling him 3 gifts were hidden in the house. When I called from work Friday after school he was excited to tell me how it took almost an hour to find them all. That's more what John likes on his birthday.

Happy Birthday John!!

I just finished 133 out of 4000 in a texas hold'em tournament (yes! in the money again) while I added this blog, now I'll have something to eat (not sub) and do my income tax... wish me luck.

Mike

Is that him?

Ric Nattress
Position: D Height: 6' 3'' Weight: 210Born: 5/25/1962, in Hamilton, ON

Over 12 seasons and 5 teams Nattress played in 536 games. He recorded 29 goals and 135 assists. He also appeared in 67 playoff games, scoring five goals and adding ten assists. He was a member of the Calgary Flames team which won the Stanley Cup in 1989.

Ric Nattress was on OTR tonight, which started a conversation with John about famous people. Usually not a topic we discuss. Ric Nattress’s daughter and Danielle used to go to school together. On more than a few occasions they had play dates at each other’s house. The first time Danielle was at their place I drilled her with questions. How nice was the house? Is the furniture covered in plastic? Does he have pictures of himself on the wall? The first time he came to our house to pick up his daughter, I opened the door and he shook my hand very firmly. A loud deep voice came from this gigantic head; hi I’m Ric Nattress. I repeated, in a forced deep voice, hi I’m Mike Dauphinee, and then it was just awkward. He stood pitying my humble home during the endless minutes waiting for little whats-her-name Nattress.

Probably bout the same time my homey Ric and I were hangin, I was still doing the ugly commute into the big TO. One morning walking the short distance along Front Street between Union Station and the Sky Dome (aka Rodgers Centre) a flashy white Excalibur stretch limo drove towards me. I could see this crazy black man standing with his upper body out the sunroof. As we got closer I couldn’t miss the gold bling around his neck, the vest, bare arms and that famous haircut. It was Mr. T standing in full costume, waving talking to people on the street. At the time, it was years after Rocky, Rocky II and even the A-Team. It was I who pitied the fool and his blatant attempt for attention.

My favourite brush with fame is when I met Walter Gretzky. Stop me if you’ve heard this story, its one of my favourite. We were in Waterford for the annual pumpkin festival and it started to rain. Hordes of people headed to the craft show held inside the local high school. Trying to stay out of everyone’s way I stood along the edge of a busy aisle way, holding John’s hand. I spot a very familiar older man facing me standing on the opposite side of this narrow aisle. He glances at me a few times and my first thought is he’s a retired railway employee that I may have briefly met at a forced group CN retirement party… at the time. Wondering if I should approach him when two men came along, stopped long enough to introduce them and shake Mr Gretzky’s hand. The lights on!! How did I miss that hooknose? After they left I told him that I recognized his face but thought he might have worked for CN. He said he gets that a lot. I looked down at John and said that’s Wayne Gretzky’s dad. The non-athletic, artistic John shrugged his shoulders and said so. Walter then leaned over and asked John if he played hockey. John ignored him and pushed his face into my crotch… at the time. If we were standing in my living room that could have been awkward, to this day I regret not shaking his hand. You young fathers, or soon to be fathers could learn a thing or two from that man.

That’s it!! Not counting the Blue Jay’s World Series parade when I worked in TO or seeing athletes or musicians at live events. That’s it!! Maybe getting late night mix so the Ti-Cat first string running back could get some action with the hot sisters in Melvin Towers… or a warm fire on the beach with Valdi. That’s it!!

Besides Walter Gretzky, the only other encounter John had with fame is seeing Sylvester Stallone at Ivor Wynne during filming.

bow chica bow wow

It’s a boy!!

It’s Johnson’s 17th birthday today. When asked what he wanted his reply was nothing. That was easy. When asked what he would like to do for his birthday he said something different. He didn’t want to go bowling again, thought he might like to go paint-balling (but the cold temperatures would make the paint balls hard and hurt even more), didn’t think he’d like laser tag, but wanted to do something really different. As my gift to him I offered to buy a parachute jump. Now that interests him. He started searching jump schools in the area. Found that a solo jump would entail a weekend of training followed by a Sunday afternoon jump from about 3,500 feet. A tandem jump (strapped to an experienced jumper) which is a half hour of training followed by a jump from just over 10,000 feet, which includes a 35 second free fall before the chute opens. He decided on the latter but still didn’t want to go alone. He wanted me to go with him but I explained that I have no desire to jump from a perfectly good airplane. After a couple of days of him mulling it over I suggested calling his sister and if she was interested I would buy her the same birthday gift. Danielle’s first reply was let me think about it, but called the next day to say she would do it. So John said; let’s do this!!! Actually I was pretty excited about the two of them jumping together. Told John this is the best birthday gift I’ve ever purchased anyone. Thought it might also be funny to take out a life insurance policy for each of them and show them just before they jumped. We found out later that you have to be 18 years of age to participate. I guess next year’s birthday gifts for my kids will be easy, that is if they don’t bitch-out by then.

Anyway there’s a party at Theresa’s Saturday night sometime after Brittany gets off work at seven. Get there early if you want some of the 6 foot sub and coffee-cake.

Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Hello everyone,

Don't you think it's time we all became more physically active? If any of you would like to join my Bike Club, please let me know and I'll make arrangements to rent the bike below. Maybe ride about 5 miles every day, somewhere between 4:00 and 7:00pm. We can call it happy hour, if it will make you say yes.

Thanks Rob, this is blog gold!!