Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hey Kev, I was going to leave you a comment but… Hopefully you don’t stop blogging altogether because of the lack of comments. You’ve got some addicts in Ontario waiting to hear how you make out with the car, the job and the wife. I see Muskokaman has been doing his part to get the number of comments up. Remember Kevin, it’s not all about the comments. If any blog-readers out there feel strongly that they need to comment on another of Kevin’s great nature photo shoots with his Pattycake, please feel free to use my blog, multiple times if necessary.

What’s in the news?

5th highest scorer in the Edmonton Oilers history, Ryan Smyth was traded to the NY Islanders. He held out for more money, was traded, and then whined like a bitch on the news… but he’s got the best hockey head in the game today.


Oh ya! fuck its only Wednesday.








The 10 Best Caddy Come Back Lines of the Year

#10..

Golfer, "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy, "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9.

Golfer, "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy, "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8.

Golfer, "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy, "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7..

Golfer, "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy, "Eventually."

# 6..

Golfer, "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy, "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a Coincidence."

# 5..

Golfer, "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy, "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4..

Golfer, "How do you like my game?"
Caddy, "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3..

Golfer, "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy, "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2..

Golfer, "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy, "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And - the # 1 "Best Caddy Comment":

Golfer, "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy, "It's been a long time since we teed."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I'm sorry I missed this show.

Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever." After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question.

The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure. "Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend." Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. "Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon 15 seconds hun." Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. "Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it." To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.' "I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans. Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.'

Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. "Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer." Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'



Monday, February 26, 2007

What’s in the news?

Tonight’s news reminded me of a conversation had, I think had, as I sat with Owen Saturday afternoon. Odd how sometimes I’ll visit and listen to Owen babble-on about a topic or program, and neither of us can recall the name of the person we’re talking about… or even care. Funny, eh! (Laurie, tell Owen the guy that did the news on SNL and hosted MNFootball is Dennis Miller.) Anyway, this story started with a very long talk, about Dylan (one of Owen’s favourite topics lately) that progressed into home-ownership for the young McBride family and on tonight’s news the anniversary of the Caledonia Indian blockade was announced. Owen is the only person I know that has defended the Indian’s right to be there. He said; Indians have been getting screwed over by the white-man ever since he first sailed across the ocean. Buying land with trinkets and liquor, slaughtering them in wars, contaminating them with diseases like small pox and the U.S. government has never once honoured a single Indian treaty …for hundreds and thousands of years… and this small band of Indians has finally taken a stand and said no more!!! Owen hopes they get everything they deserve.

Point – Counterpoint

In an unrelated story, my previous blog was an English homework assignment stolen from John. (I thought it might at least get a WTF from you people… but nothing!!) Another of his homework tasks was to illustrate a list of defence mechanism (denial, displacement, projection…) and for Rationalization John drew a picture of a native American, feather and all, defending his occupation of land with a cheque in his hand with $ WELFARE $ written across it.

On the lighter side of the news, some famous woman (sorry I didn’t catch her name) was on the Academy Award red carpet last night in a yellow dress and the gossip item, supported by the revealing photos, was that she’s pregnant with her long-time famous (sorry I didn’t catch his name) boyfriend's baby ...but it hasn’t been officially announced yet. I’m hoping she’s not even pregnant, the yellow dress just doesn’t fatter her, pun intended.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Foreshadowing, Oxymorons, Similies and Metaphors

It was in the restaurant, which hosted my demise.
We got jumbo shrimp as I gazed into her eyes
Her eyes like diamonds illuminated from the candles
Everything so strong, the shrimp, the love, I just couldn’t handle
Then something hit me, my throat began to close
I fell on the carpet when I gave my love a rose
I panic! I can’t breath! I can’t move and go limp
What a way to go choking on jumbo shrimp.

Friday, February 23, 2007

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...
































Thursday, February 22, 2007

Bobbitt Family Update


In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with.....



A Misdewiener!

I thought it was a religious reason why Muslim woman didn't wear mini-skirts.




7 degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

“Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

ANOTHER FABULOUS MUSKOKA WEEKEND







































Wednesday, February 14, 2007

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY (PART DEUX)
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you,” she said, “pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work."

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
Thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way.
My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... “You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,” Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

What’s in the news?

Karl took offence to me pasting the Homolka article and had some valid arguments. He said; he didn’t need to see her face on the news anymore and either do the parents of the families, media is now the bigger monster to the victims families. Just for the record, I didn’t post Homolka’s picture but I get the point. It’s even more offensive that I know the name, Anne Nicole Smith. She’s been a media-whore since marrying the rich old guy. I guess whatever will sell a newspaper is now news… crammed down your throat.

Not to offend anyone, and maybe to remind others, that babies are not fun. They sleep, they cry, they eat, they shit and hopefully soon you’ll get them on a rotating schedule everyone can live with. Now Kohen, at his terrible twos, is the age when kids are fun. No, really I mean that. This is when kids will start to react or interact more with you. And if the reaction is lying on the floor kicking and screaming, have fun with that too parents. Those are the memories you’ll treasure forever, ah John-son. But hey, keep them kids coming, I’ll let me mudder and me sisters handled the babies and I’ll wait until they get a little bit older.

It’s Saturday morning, almost 9:30, I’m waiting for Johnson to wake up we’re cleaning the apartment today. I paid for a $40 Valentine Day high-school dance ticket and he’s going to help clean… more like scrub. I’ll make him earn everyone of those dollars, that kid needs to get a real job. Need this place looking spic-n-span my baby’s coming for a visit tomorrow, Danielle. Looking forward to it. Hey, maybe babies are fun.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

LIFE CAN BE CRUEL


GRADUATION


20-YEAR REUNION

BEFORE MARRIAGE


AFTER MARRIAGE


This is for anyone that may have missed this article, from our weird and wacky world...

Karla Homolka helped take three children's lives.
Now she may have created one.

Details are sketchy, but it appears the freed schoolgirl killer may have secretly had a baby.
Rampant rumours, tips and a string of circumstances suggest that Homolka is now married and, in the past few days, gave birth to a bouncing baby boy in a Montreal hospital.

If all of this is true, it appears that the fantasy she held for all of her 12 years in prison is now complete. Now, at age 36, Homolka will have a new hubby and a new baby to go with the puppy she picked up within weeks of her July 2005 prison release. The happy family has been created within 11/2 years of her release. But that should come as no surprise. She has planned it all along.

In a 1998 prison evaluation, Homolka mapped out her criteria for the man who would succeed her first husband, infamous serial killer, sadist and rapist Paul Bernardo. "She wishes to meet a man who believes in the moral values of marriage, who is educated, loyal, who wants children," wrote Dr. Jeanne Rouleau. A man, Homolka told Rouleau, "who loves his mother, who shows a respectful attitude towards women, who does not have a history of family abuse, no criminal background and, finally, who is loved by her family, who loves pets, and, if possible, who is attractive." Critics say that if Homolka has a baby, it, too, is a victim. There is no clear indication who the father may be.

HEAD-OVER-HEELS

There are suggestions, however, that he is not the imprisoned killer whom Homolka fell head-over-heels with while she was in prison. At one point, Homolka professed her love for the killer and talked about marrying him and moving to France upon his release.

The baby's health, weight and name are also shrouded in mystery. And it is not apparent if Quebec children's aid authorities have any interest in the newlyweds and their offspring. Homolka's plan to blend almost unnoticed into Quebec society has clearly bore fruit. She speaks almost fluent French, carefully hides her identity and goes under the name of Leanne Teale, taking her middle name from birth and the last name she adopted with Bernardo -- a name he took from a fictional serial killer in the movie Criminal Law.

If Homolka was in fact wed in Montreal, the marriage was a lot more low-key and discreet than the lavish ceremony she shared with Bernardo. On June 29, 1991, Homolka and Bernardo sipped champagne from crystal glasses as they were driven through the historic streets of Niagara-on-the-Lake in a horse-drawn carriage. Their wedding guests later dined on pheasant. And then the couple jetted off on a Hawaiian honeymoon. As we know now, however, the bride and groom's secrets were a lot darker than what happened in bed on their wedding night. A year and a half before the wedding, Homolka's youngest sister, Tammy, 15, died in her parents' home when she choked on her own vomit as Bernardo and Homolka drugged her unconscious and jointly raped her.

DISMEMBERED BODY

On the day the pair were married, concrete blocks which contained the dismembered body parts of missing 14-year-old Burlington schoolgirl Leslie Mahaffy, were pulled out of Gibson Lake, near St. Catharines. Leslie, it would later turn out, was the sick couple's second victim.
Homolka would later reveal that it was on their wedding night that Bernardo confessed he was the infamous Scarborough Rapist, a sexual predator who terrorized Toronto's east end in the 1980s and boasted up to 40 victims. In April 1992, the pair snatched Kristen French, 15, as she walked home from school in St. Catharines. For days, the twisted couple kept Kristen as a sex slave, and then -- like Leslie -- she was killed. Two other teenage girls -- friends of Tammy -- were dragged into the couple's dark web. One of the teens stopped breathing as the couple videotaped their rape of her after they drugged her unconscious. But Homolka swapped a guilty plea to two counts of manslaughter in the Leslie and Kristen deaths and her testimony against Bernardo in exchange for 12 years in prison. Homolka claims to have been a battered woman. She asserts that Bernardo strangled Leslie and Kristen. Bernardo maintained that Homolka killed the girls.

It is has been conceded by Ontario prosecutors that Homolka would likely have been convicted of first-degree murder had Bernardo's secret videotapes been found in a meticulous search of the couple's Port Dalhousie home in 1993.

Homolka's love of children is well established. Prison evaluations -- in addition to her own letters to friends and a lesbian lover -- reveal that she loved her childhood, surrounded herself with childish items and icons and, in many ways, remains a child. Her prison cell walls were adorned with cartoon character posters. Letter paper was festooned with sticky stamps of hearts, snowmen, teddy bears, and dogs and cats. She even had Mickey Mouse bedsheets.
And now, apparently, she bears the responsibility of being a mom.

According to what Homolka told police, the only time that she and Bernardo ever discussed children was when Bernardo told her that if she ever had daughters, he would turn them into his sex slaves. If she ever became pregnant with a boy, she related, he would have her abort the fetus. Homolka's apparent motherhood is even more outrageous, considering that a Quebec judge initially ordered her to stay away from children after her July 2005 release from Joliette prison. That condition, however, and several more, were overturned upon appeal last summer.

FREE TO GO

Homolka is now free to go and do what she wants. "I am looking so forward to getting out of here and rebuilding my life," she wrote to friends in 1993. "I can't wait to see what the future holds for me -- a new job, a new husband (a loving one this time!) children..."

In a 2001 psychiatric evaluation, Homolka said she had "changed in big ways" in prison.
"She appreciated that intimate relationships might be risky for her," but that "whatever relationships I get into, I know I'll never re-offend again." Since her prison release, Homolka has relied upon her parents, Karel and Dorothy Homolka, the Elizabeth Fry Society of Montreal, and her lawyer Sylvie Bordelais, for support. As first revealed in a Toronto Sun exclusive, Homolka initially worked at a RONA store after her release. But since then, her whereabouts have been cloaked in secrecy.

TIMELINE FOR KARLA HOMOLKA
From taker of lives, to the giver of life:

- October 1987 -- Karla Homolka, 17, meets Paul Bernardo, 23, at a pet convention.
- Dec. 23, 1990 -- Homolka drugs her youngest sister Tammy, 15, to facilitate her rape by Bernardo. Tammy chokes on vomit and dies.
- June 29, 1991 -- Homolka and Bernardo are married on the same day 14-year-old Leslie Mahaffy's body parts are found.
- April 16, 1992 -- Kristen French, 15, is kidnapped by Homolka and Bernardo and held for four days before she is murdered.
- February 1993 -- Police swoop down on Bernardo after he beats Homolka with a flashlight and she retains a lawyer.
- July 1993 -- Plea bargain gives Homolka 12 years in prison in exchange for testimony against Bernardo.
- Sept. 1, 1995 -- Bernardo convicted of first-degree murder in Leslie's and Kristen's slayings. Given life with no parole for 25 years.
- Spring 2001 -- National Parole Board orders Homolka detained for full sentence as a high risk to reoffend.
- July 2005 -- Homolka released from prison after 12 years with strict conditions.
- Nov. 30, 2005 -- Quebec Superior Court throws out conditions. Homolka free.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS